Photo by Tiko Giorgadze on Unsplash
Mirror, mirror, on the wall
Who’s the fairest one of all?
The mirror laughed, and then it spat. It sure ain’t you, you’re old and fat. So reads an alternative ending to this well known nursery rhyme. Most people look in a mirror every day and many have some form of these words running through their minds. When looking in the mirror, they are focusing in on the negative aspects of what they see.
The same tends to happen with another type of reflection. The reflection you do when you’re looking back at the goals you have set for yourself and your achievements against them.
I see this over and over in my coaching and mastermind groups. When asked to reflect on progress on a goal or project, it always starts with what didn’t happen; the disappointments; what is lacking. It usually takes time and coaxing to get to the positive aspects: what went well; where hope and opportunity lie; what to feel good about.
Are we humans just a mob of bad news bears? Are we simply wired to focus on the negative? What impact is this negativity having on us?
Turns out that we humans are biased towards the negative. It’s simply an evolutionary necessity to keep us safe. In doing so, our brains both respond to and focus on what is going wrong and what could go wrong. On the flipside, we only pay fleeting attention to those things going well, or the good in our lives, because they aren’t a risk to us.
The evolution of our brains, and the revolution of our societies, hasn’t kept pace with one another. For most of us, we don’t face a daily battle for survival. Our brains don’t need to be on high alert for what is wrong. In essence, our tendency toward the negative when applied to life in the 21st century doesn’t serve a useful purpose for us. Rather, by bringing a positive approach to how we live can improve our overall health and wellbeing, reduce stress and improve our performance.
The good news is that we can practice focussing on the good news. A great place to do so is when you’re reflecting on things.
As we approach the end of the year, more of our conversations turn to what we’ve achieved this year and how we can use the final few months to complete, or make progress on, a project or goal. Bringing a positive approach to this means starting with, and searching for the answers to, questions like these:
What is my greatest achievement [today/this week/this month/this year]?
What am I most proud of?
What am I happy about?
What have I done well?
What have I learned?
What opportunities are ahead for me?
What am I excited about?
What challenges or difficulties have I overcome?
What can I keep doing?
What should I celebrate?
These are just a start. But the key is starting, and starting with questions that get you focusing on the positive.
As with any practice, it can take time to turn our thinking habits around. If you’re struggling with a default to the negative (and find yourself answering each of the questions above with a resounding nothing) you may find value in having someone work with you as you go through this reflection process. A friend, work colleague, or coach can spot your negative bias better than we can ourselves and help you dig deeper to find something positive. The good news is that positivity breeds positivity, so once you start it won’t take long for it to snowball.
And next time you’re looking in the mirror, you may find yourself reciting
mirror, mirror, on the wall; who’s the fairest of them all; why mirror, of course, it is me; my beauty, power and strength I do see.